I´m sitting on a bed. It’s big and white and the mattress is perfectly hard to sleep on. I think if I had to be a bed I would like to be this bed. The reason I´m telling you about my bed is that I´m trying not to think about the main reason for writing this post today: 2019 is about to end. I desperately wanted 2017 to end. The end of 2018 was the end of a big chapter in my life that I thought I would be stuck in forever. 2019, on the other hand, was a nice year, an educational year. A few big things happened, like turning 18 or flying to Madrid with my dad or sending off applications or flying home from Dubai or falling in love with life again. I feel like all those tweets and Instagram posts about 2019 being the year that changed a person or whatever are true- to a certain extent. Personally, I wouldn´t say that I changed too much: I took my Ls and I learned my lessons and throughout all of that, I turned into more of the “me” that has always been inside me, and to be honest (and I´m surprised because I´m not used to this feeling at all) I really like myself. Like genuinely. Shoutout to me because this year was hard af at times but I made it out alive and better than ever.
Because I feel like I learned so much this year, I think there is no better way of ending this year than by sharing the lessons 2019 taught me. It was a long, hard, beautiful year that was filled with many tears but thrice as much love. Thank you 2019 for your blessings.
- Soulmates are real but soulmates are not people who lie and cheat and hurt you intentionally. Soulmates are not people who pleasure themselves at the expense of your happiness. Soulmates are not people who push you into the fire, soulmates are the ones that pull you back out of the fire even if they end up with burnt fingertips
2. There is absolutely no need to question or silence the truth. For me, that means trusting “my truth”, speaking it and acting based on it. I didn´t do a single thing this year that I didn´t 100% stand behind. Learn to trust your gut because it doesn´t lie.
3. Let people do their thing. If I allow myself the right to break up with people or not talk to people or anything like that, then who am I to judge a person for giving themselves the right? Realizing this, that everybody is living inside themselves and has to deal with their own stuff the best way they possibly can without really knowing what they´re doing either, is my main form of self-care. If someone tells me they´re too busy to have me in their life, who am I to tell them that they´re wrong? What you gotta do is accept and move on because that´s how life works. Thank them for their honesty, wish them the best, and respect their truth (and I know it´s hard but don´t question it. that’s only a pure waste of your own time).
4. Don´t bite your tongue. If you have something to say, even if it scares your heart and even though it makes your voice shake, raise it. I started this year off literally defending myself against ridiculous allegations by someone I considered family. I still remember how my words hurt my throat but I had to defend myself, and I know that speaking up was the only way I would be able to walk away from the situation with self-respect because I stayed true to myself.
5. Don´t, under any circumstance, drink coffee with butter. Apparently it is healthy in some way (something about amino acids, I don´t even know), but it really really really does not taste good.
6. There will always be bad days and they will always end. There will always be really really good days and they will end. Don´t waste the good ones by clinging on to the bad ones.
7. Trying out the potato diet is pure idiocy. Trust me on this one.
8. “You´ll know when it is right- don´t force it” One door closes and another opens. Something that was right a year ago may not feel right today. Listen to your gut, trust your instinct, stay honest and true, and the good things will come to you. YOU have all the power you think you have, and the universe is on your side.
9. Respect the people who have grown through hurting you. You don´t have to do it to their face, but respect them behind their back. Storytime: I know this girl who I used to be really good friends with but grew apart from. We somehow ended up “hating” each other (never fight your girlfriends over/for a guy): we didn´t speak for months, we spread rumors, we talked badly about each other. It was mostly her doing the harm, but I was in no way innocent. It started in 2015 and sort of continued on since then. In 2017, when I found myself in a really really bad situation, she reported it. She screenshotted messages that I was able to use to my defense, and she defended me. Never to my face, never in public, but she did a lot of it behind the scenes, where it mattered. We´re not friends now. We don´t even talk, I haven´t gotten a chance to thank her, but I will never, ever (and haven´t since I found out about what she did) say a mean word about her ever again. Because she pulled through and helped me out in a time of need. She did it for me, and I would do it for her. We all go through stuff, especially when we´re young and have no idea what´s going on, but we grow. Let people grow. Respect people who have grown.
10. No reason to stay is a good reason to go. I think that leaving a situation, whether it’s romantic or platonic, which you fought really hard for and really want to hold on to is one of the hardest things to do in life. It´s like leaving a place knowing that you´ll never ever come back. Once you cut the ties, things will never be as they were. Sure, the person may come back, but will the feelings? Will the trust? Will love? You can never tell. And so, if you´re making a decision like that, you have to think it through. Fully. For longer than a night and in every situation possible: while upset, while happy, while unbothered. Decisions like these are lifechanging; the extent obviously depends on how invested and committed you were to your person, but they change things for sure. If someone were to ask me for reasons to end a relationship to someone toxic, my first thought would be ignorance, repetition of bad behavior, and not having a reason to stay. If the person you are trying to leave is not benefitting you, physically but especially emotionally, if they are not aiding your personal growth and development but only holding you back, leave them. Give them a warning if you want to, see how much they care. If they care, they´ll change, they´ll try to better the situation. If they keep behaving as they did in the first place, leave. You don´t need to be held back. Nobody does.
11. You can either pretend to be someone else and hate yourself so the wrong people love you, or you can be yourself, love yourself, and have the right people love you at the expense of the wrong people hating you. Choose self-love. Choose authenticity. If there is ONE thing I have learned this year is that being yourself will heal you, your mental health, and your relationships into an overall healthier situation. I´m not trying to go all yoga-mom on you (drink water and do a face mask to cUrE dEprEsSioN!!) but I hope you know that detoxifying your surroundings is a good first step to getting better.
12. Good things WILL come if you let them. Another storytime and this one is dedicated to my best friends. 2019 was the year I truly discovered what it is like to have a solid friend group for the first time. I´ve spoken about this on my private Instagram (but it´s private for a reason lol so I´ll say it again on here), but I am so eternally grateful for the six girls that entered my life and have completely turned my world upside down. Everything I´ve been through that has led me to where I am now was tough as hell but if this is my reward, then it was all worth it. I am so lucky and blessed to have found my friends. Every morning I walk into our homeroom and it´s like sunshine. You´re golden, all of you. Julia, with your endless smiles and meditation and peace. Freddie, you are a force of nature man I don´t know how you do it but you´re the most organized and consistent person I have ever met and it´s truly so inspiring. Malak, your kindness and acceptance are empowering and I loved watching you grow into the woman you are today. Maja, my crazy dancer, you´re so unorganized but always make it work out in the end and that is also weirdly inspiring?? (lmao ily). Marlene, you are a warrior and so loving and caring and wow, bin ich froh, dass wir beide sitzen geblieben sind. Loui, you are pure honey and AA! I love you so much, I know we will never have a conversation without laughing about vines and memes or making fun of each other. I am so grateful and blessed to have you I can´t even really articulate it. Thank you for making my 2019 on to remember!
<3×7 foreva and eva
In terms of influence, this past year has been one of the most influential. I learned so much about myself and the people around me. I experienced so many new experiences (English HL you say?), some hurt and some I treasure and some belong in both of those categories.
If there is one thing I have learned for sure this year it is that authenticity, staying true to yourself and now changing your ways for anybody, is the only way for me to go. It is why I´m so open about things. It is why I try to be as transparent and honest as possible. Being authentic, which was a promise I made myself in the beginning of this year, has helped me in every aspect of my life. I have become more honest not only towards others, but also towards myself. I now know to remove myself from situations I feel uncomfortable in. I don´t mind silence. I barely even feel awkwardness anymore, and when I do, I just laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I have stopped taking myself too seriously. I have stopped taking the actions of others too personally. If somebody acts in a way that negatively impacts me, that says more about them than it does about me. I have grown so much this year and I can´t wait to share it all in 2020!
A decade has ended, and here we are.
Growing, thriving, living.
Happy New Year.
Welcome, 2020, I´m so ready for you.